Mo!

Thank you! Big round of applause for Mo!, everybody. I don't get the exclamation point at the end though. Maybe if he put an E in that exclamation point, he would be on the E television network.

OK. Smart crowd. Smart people use computers you know. No ding-dongs on the dot coms!!!

Anyway, this is an open letter addressed to the New York Times. It's all about the 'downtown comedy scene.'

My wife -- hoo, my wife -- she really tries to get me all hoity-toity. First, she orders a Tom Collins for me at dinner. Then she makes me read the New York Times.

Now I read the news anyway, but she said AOL news don't count.

OK. I find this pablum-puking commie garbage in the NY Times about alternative comedy. http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/29/fashion/sundaystyles/29Comedy.html?_r=1

Headline?

Seinfeld it ain't.

Huh? What's wrong with Seinfeld? Seinfeld gets me hot under the collar cuz he cockblocked me for that HBO special back in '88, but he's still one of the best.

I read some more.


At that point Brett Gelman, a 29-year-old comedian from Brooklyn, bounded onto the stage wearing a studded black leather vest and pompadour, as favored by Mr. Clay, and a Hitler moustache. He regaled his audience with a monologue that combined the thoughts of Hitler with the tough-guy, streets-of-Brooklyn accent of Mr. Clay.



Now he's making fun of Dice? Dice and Seinfeld? These guys are legends. They are to comedy what ELP was to rock: radical!!!!!!


Well who's better than Dice and Clay? Not their audience that's for sure.


There's a decent chance that Mr. Gelman's over-the-top Hitler bit wouldn't play well among the tourists at Manhattan's traditional stand-up clubs, places like Caroline's and Stand-Up New York, a universe where Seinfeldian observational humor still reigns and the only costumes comedians wear are jeans and T-shirts. But among the young comedy fans who frequent Rififi, Mr. Gelman's gag was an unqualified hit, and he left the 10-foot-by-10-foot stage to a rousing ovation.


OK, so an old guy like me making observations while wearing a T-shirt and jeans is old hat huh? Well whose the new guy?

These dumbells!!!!


There was a satire of a Christian music duo, a Nascar-loving septic tank cleaner from North Carolina named Louis Harken who had come to New York to pursue his dream of becoming a slam poet, and a character named Stanley Hope, an inspirational speaker whose claim to fame was surviving 22 suicide attempts, including a leap in front of a subway train — at the Transit Museum.


But this is what made me want to wear my wife's pantyhose over my head and throw these dingbats against the brick wall of a comedy club -- let's let Frenchy McFrench speak for himself:


Any attempt to define the term alternative comedy was doomed, Mr. du Bouchet said before his Tuesday night show, but he gave it a shot anyway.

"Alternative is a catchall phrase for 'not stand-up,' " he said.


Not stand up? Let me get this straight -- an old guy doing stand up wearing a t-shirt and jeans is not cool anymore? Since when did stand-up not become cool?


The world is pretty messed up," Mr. Gelman said. "People are pretty frustrated and they like to see people letting out their frustrations in an unbridled way. As far as making people feel less depressed, that in and of itself is a political act."

Commie cocksuckers! Oh how I'd love to take your floppy, faggoty alternative asses by your moppy hair and throw you against a brick wall at a stand-up club after which I eat a meatball sandwich. Looky, I'm a poet and I don't know it!

Here's my set which I did on Carson in December, 1983:

Hello. Big round of applause for Johnny Carson everyone (the crowd goes apeshit). And Ed McMahon (the crowd goes wild). And Doc with the band (crowd goes wild). And Paul Anka, who wrote the Tonight Show theme (crowd claps). And Burt Reynolds if he's backstage (applause).



White people and black people have differences (laughs). White people can't dance, black people can't stand white people (laughs). You know what the difference between a black guy and an Italian guy is? The color of his skin. (laughs) If the Italian is Sicilian, not even that (laughing, clapping and knee slapping -- oh and a lot of whoos).

So rock and roll? What happened to rock and roll? (applause) Remember the good old days, when you dropped acid and music was scary? Like Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath?(applause) You don't even need acid to be scared nowadays. I saw Kiss without their make-up on and I got scared. (laughs) I almost got a heart attack.


Now that's funny! Here's how these alternative fruitcakes would probably do it:

Hi. I'm a calculator that listens to Nirvana. I'm better than you. I'm richer than you. I'm skinnier than you. I'm younger than you. But I'm still sad cuz I have no life. That's why I have no observations. So Nirvana is cool. I have shaggy hair and wacky t-shirts. I'm a commie who likes Saddam Hussein. I laugh at hard-working Long Islanders like me. Billy Joel is not cool.


Know what Tony Danza said about Andy Kaufman? Andy would not have made it in Tony's neighborhood. These guys would probably get cut up in my old neighborhood, or in the 90210, or in the OC or in the 90210-C.

I've still got it!